I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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