My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
