btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
