Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
