im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
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I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
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Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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