those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
