Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
