It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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