so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
