why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
