I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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