he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
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How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
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I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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