every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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