you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
