Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
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The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
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I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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