You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
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I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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