it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
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We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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