I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
