I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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