I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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