I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
