I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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