i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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