Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
