remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
