Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
