Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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