my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
