Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
