put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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