My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
