How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
