I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
