Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
