Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
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