all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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