I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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