It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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