Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
