i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor