I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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