I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Your penis caused this!
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