What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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