I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
