Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
