Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
