Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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