Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
