I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
