At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
