Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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