so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
