He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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