My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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