How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
