those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
