If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it