I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
